I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
