I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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