i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
