i barfeds in our rink
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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