I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize