She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
