the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
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