I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
