I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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