We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
