Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Two words: nipple clamps
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