I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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