3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My cat gives me a boner
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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