my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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