so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's rum buckets o'clock
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
