Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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