I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
