I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
