I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
