I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she peed on how many people?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
