You're so nebulous sometimes
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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