So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
