saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
