I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
