well I can't set my house on fire every night
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
