At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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