mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
