i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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