I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
