Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
