And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize