There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Randomize
