Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
