I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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