At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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