After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
