my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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