Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize