I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
