I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
