shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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