im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
