I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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