so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
