just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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