if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
