I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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