I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
