I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Randomize
