I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
