After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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