Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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