she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have feelings that need drinking.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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