i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
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