Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Dignity is for republicans.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
