I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
