oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
