Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
