If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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