Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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