My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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